Summer is here!

FINALLY.

The semester is over and I can finally breathe and return to blogging and reading. I had no idea that the semester would take over my life as it did, especially with one class. I'm anxiously waiting for the news of my final grade but have found myself buying books everywhere I go to add to the ever growing stack of summer reading books. :)

I've already finished one (GOLDEN by Jessi Kirby), attended my first signing (Copperfields in Santa Rosa, CA) and started on book two of the summer (Second Chance Summer by Morgan Matson).

Be on the look out for a photo filled, book list filled update soon now that I'm back in the swing of things. :)

Pieces of Me (my life through reading and memories)

This post has been brewing for a couple of months now, but I just wanted to warn everyone that it may be triggering. I'm going to mention eating disorders, sexual assault, and abuse/neglect.

Over the last year, I've read a good amount of books. Nothing like the amount I used to read in my High School or Jr. High days, but a good amount. It brought me to a couple of amazing books that really challenged me. The books shook me, made me remember and made me really think about what I've gone through.

It hasn't been easy. It's been ugly, emotionally draining and outright scary at times. Only a few people really know what I've been through because it's not only hard to talk about, but it's already hard enough to cope with on a day to day basis.

I struggle with these things every single day. Even if I look "okay" on the outside, chances are - I could be having a hard time. It could be any little thing that sets me off - sending me into downward spiral where I just break down and have to put myself back together and fight through.

There are times where I have to force myself to just take a step back and a deep breath before pushing through and going forward.

Except, it's not that easy.

People think it is. I've heard it from a lot of them. They think that because I'm in a better, safer place now that I can just pick up and move on. That I can just automatically change and be better. They assume that I'll just be able to turn off the memories and suddenly be OKAY.

I can't. I won't. These aren't something that I can just forget and be one hundred and ten percent okay one day out of the blue. I don't think they ever will be. 

When you've experienced situations like the ones I've been through - looking back isn't easy. It's hard. It's a mess of tears and it's ugly. It takes a lot to go back there, and I'm there a lot because it's brought me back to where I am today. The truth is: I still struggle. Every day. Every day is a new challenge to face, a new day to push through.

There are a lot of things I've never talked about with a lot of people. Not because I don't trust them, but because what I've been through is hard enough to even think about myself, much less completely open up and talk to them about everything.

I've read three books that really challenged me and made me think. They made me cry, they made me remember and they made me think about what I've gone through to get to where I am today. IF YOU STAY by Courtney Cole, IN HONOR by Jessi Kirby and my most recent read - IF YOU FIND ME by Emily Murdoch.

Each of these books has touched a part of me in some way, deep down. They've uncovered memories, challenged me to face my past and open up to a select few. They've challenged me to realize how far I've come and have reminded me that I'm not alone, even their characters have experienced some of what I have.

In the darkest of days, that is what calms me. It's what encourages me to remember that I'm going to be okay, that when things get bad - to take a deep breath and remember how far I've come. Those three books have forced me to take a closer look at where I've been and really pushed me to start to heal - very, so very slowly.

I simply don't have enough words to thank each of these authors. It's been a long, hard journey to get to where I am today but with these three books - I can finally feel like I can face these things, to open up and to most importantly to realize that "Hey, this is me. This is what I've been through." I haven't really been able to do that until this past year and with each of these three books, I've been able to do that more and more.

Thank you for the stories and your characters who have been where I've been, to help me remember and trust enough to get this all out. It's a journey I have been needing for years now and as scary as it is to remember, and to open up - I know that it is something I need to do. I need to do this for myself in order to process my experiences and be able to begin to heal in some small way.

Review: Ask the Passengers by A.S. King

Ask the Passengers is one of the most recent books I've read this year (I've got a stack of books I want to read and it just keeps growing and growing).

I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this book at this time in my life. I came out about six years ago, and it was easily the most traumatic experience in my entire life. I'm not exaggerating that point. I still have nightmares about the experience and how I was treated, the backlash, the comments and the hate.

When I stumbled across this book, I knew it was the right book at the right time - you know, one of those books that comes into your life at the perfect moment and leaves a lasting impact.

I felt that I was right along with Astrid on her journey. I knew what she was feeling because I had been there. I knew how much it hurt, I knew the level of confusion, I knew the fear.

There were a couple of quotes in the book that hit me, and hit me hard - as if I had spoken them myself - quotes that I knew exactly how she felt in that moment because I had been there. I am there.

For anyone who is looking for a good contemporary read, this is it. This book touched me in ways that I can't even begin to explain. I'll leave you with these two quotes..

"I see what you're trying to say. But you're wrong. I mean, when did you first know you were gay? And did you tell anyone on that first day? Who is anyone to tell me when to talk about something so personal?"

"And if any of you have a problem with any of it, then it's your problem. Being gay is hard enough without having to worry about your family being weird about it."

So, a big, amazing, THANK YOU to A.S. King who wrote this amazing book that in many ways helped me heal and really discover who I am. 

2013, Here I Come.

Well, my plans to blog at least once a week in 2013 had been kicked to the curb as I've spent most of the year so far really sick. Chances are, if I am not working - I am in bed resting. I had a chest cold, then went back to work and came down with the flu two days later. That has turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis, which I am still working on recovering from. 

I'd like to say that it has given me plenty of time to read, but I'm doing a lot of sleeping, still. I hate it, but now that I am up and moving - reading is back on my priority list! 

So far this year I've read two books and have started two more:

1. Time Between Us 

2. Through the Ever Night

3. Crossed (started, need to finish)

4. Ask the Passengers (started, need to finish)

Class also started so I've got homework on my plate as well.

Some goals for the new year:

1. Read 75 books. 

2. Blog for ME - don't feel rushed or pressured to blog, just blog when I can and what I feel like blogging about. It may not be "book" related, but I do plan to write about day to day life, and of course - books and reading. 

3. Try to write more reviews - maybe not a review of everything I read, but the ones that stuck with me, had an impact on me or really made me think. They won't be huge and long reviews, but I'd like to review more books and spread the word. 

4. Most importantly, have fun.

today.

When I woke up this morning, I was going to get some stuff done for this, read and do some follow Friday stuff over on Twitter. That was before I saw the news and the CNN news alerts that were being sent to my phone (it was on silent).

Then I saw the news and I couldn't.

I'm posting this today because I wanted to tell you all that even if we just met this week with the re-launch of this blog, or you've known me for awhile - that you're important to me. You're a part of my life and my life wouldn't be the same without you in it.

We may not know each other in real life. We may not see each other often. We may not talk every day.

But, I love you. You mean something to me.

I just wanted to tell you that today.

Winter Break Reading Challenge

I figured since I'll have a little under two weeks off of work coming up for the holidays, I figured I would challenge myself to read as many books as I can. This morning when I got up, I pulled out a stack of books from both shelves (I have two in my room) of books I've been meaning to read but haven't gotten the chance to and set them out.

There are currently seven books in the stack with more that I want to read that are currently sitting on my Kindle.

My goal is to read at least five of these books over break, if not more. With a light semester starting next month (math class and swimming), I hope that I can continue to read at least one book a week. There will obviously be more read during breaks (spring, and especially summer since I have a month off each summer).

And here's a peek of some of the books I plan to read (in no particular order):

The challenge begins on December 23, my first day off for winter break.

Really looking forward to settling in and reading a good stack of books for the first time in a very long time.

Do you have any books you plan to read over the holidays?

Introducing Wednesday Words!

I've been trying to figure out a fun and interactive feature to host here at Twirly Reads for months now, and up until today - I had no idea what it would be. This morning as I rolled out of bed, it hit me. Finally. As some of you may know I blog over at The Hob and this summer I started a weekly feature called Wednesday Words.

It's fairly simple - I'll pick a quote at random (or a reader will submit one) and discuss it and then open it up for discussion from our readers over at The Hob. It is one of my favorite things to do and with every quote, I find myself thinking harder and seeing them in other ways than I may have the first time around. You can see previous posts over at The Hob for a general idea of how they turn out.

I figured, why not bring it into the book blogging world? I know we all have stacks of quotes that mean something to us, that touched us in some way, the quotes that stick in your mind and the ones that become something like your own motto.

The quote I chose to kick start this is one that hit me hard, a quote that has stuck with me through the good and bad and one that I feel many people can relate to. The quote comes from My Sisters Keeper by the fabulous Jodi Picoult.

“Do you know how sometimes - when you are riding your bike and you start skidding across sand, or when you miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs - you have those long, long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt, and badly?”

In so many ways this quote is something that I can relate to so perfectly that it hurts. This is one of those quotes that hit me so hard it left me breathless. This is a quote that defined so many aspects of my life and a quote that so accurately describes what I may have struggled to describe in the past. 

The most recent experience I could use to describe this quote would be this past Feburary when my grandmother died suddenly of a massive heart attack. For so long before that, I had always wondered what it would be like, how I would react and what would happen in the minutes, hours and days after. I hated myself so many times for even wondering something like that, but with so few experiences with losing a close family member - it was something that frequently crossed my mind. 

I knew the morning that my phone started ringing before 6am, what was going on. I knew that it was my mother before I even had a chance to look at who was calling and I knew exactly what was happening. There was no other reason why she would be calling so early and so frantically - my cell phone, the house phone, my brother's phone and my cell phone before she finally was able to wake me. 

I remember stumbling out into the hallway to give the phone to my grandmother and sinking onto the empty mattress as she spoke quietly to my mother and I knew without even having to hear my mother's words what was happening. I knew that her mother was dying, I knew my grandmother was dying. It took three words for the news to slowly begin to sink in: "I'm so sorry."

And I knew in that moment - just like the quote says - you're skidding or tumbling and you know you are going to be hurt badly. There's nothing you can do to stop it, everything is happening so quickly and so slowly at the same time. You know the pain is coming and there isn't a single thing that you can do to stop it except to keep tumbling down.

There wasn't anything I could do stop everything from tumbling, or the pain. None of us expected it to happen, and certainly not like it did. The next few minutes and hours went by in a blur. I remember telling family and friends, but nothing felt real. I a lot of ways, it still doesn't and it's almost been an entire year since she died. 

I knew the moment that the phone call came in that I was going to be hurt, and badly - but I kept tumbling and going through the day and months ahead knowing that I couldn't stop the hurt or that I couldn't have stopped it from happening. Despite all the pain, the hours of trying to take back the thoughts and the things I said in those early hours. It hurt. The entire experience hurt, and it still does. 

This quote speaks so clearly to me right now more than ever because I've been there. I have been in that terror filled moment and knowing I am falling, tumbling and skidding and that the pain is inevitable, but there wasn't anything I could do to stop it from happening. In that moment like in so many others, I had to let myself continue to fall and the hurt sunk in.

----

I couldn't have picked a better quote to launch this new feature because it is so touching and so though provoking. It is a quote that I know so many of us can relate to at some point in our lives. I'm really looking forward to seeing the quote you pick and share.

Don't forget to check out what other bloggers post for the week and drop a comment on their entry. Discuss the quote, tell them what you think and how/if you can relate to the quote they've chosen. I'm really looking forward to seeing what everyone picks and I'm so excited to launch this feature!

Earliest reading memories & what I've read so far in 2012..

For as long as I can remember, there have been books around. Growing up, it was no different. I was surrounded by books. I'm sure my parents read to me even though I don't remember any actual circumstances, but I knew there were books everywhere. Both my parents were (and still are) avid readers. The same goes for my aunt and both of my grandmother's. 

I'm 28 years old now, and it hasn't changed. 

Sure, I've had bouts where my reading wasn't happening as much as I would have liked it to, and then there were the times where all I did was read. This summer after I broke my left foot in a freak accident, I went through a good stack of books while I spent that first miserable week in bed. Things slowed down after that and I'm just now finding the motivation and focus to pick up a book or my Kindle and actually sit down and read. 

One of my earliest memories of reading is from Kindergarten. Let's just say that I was the scrawny, shy, freckle faced kid. I hated being the center of attention but I had a small group of friends. I lost a tooth during our Thanksgiving party and my grandmother announced it to the entire class - but my earliest reading memory comes from that year.

We were learning to read - and the one book we all learned to read together was none other than Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?. I remember sitting on that carpet with all the other kids and reading along with my teacher, so excited, so proud of myself and knowing that I wanted to keep reading. I didn't want to stop.

It came full circle when I read the book to the two youngest girls I work with one afternoon before their nap time, now I see that same excitement in the girls - they are devouring books, always wanting more, more, and more. While I do have to encourage them at times to sit down and read as part of their daily homework, once they start to read it is almost impossible to get them to stop.

While I haven't read nearly as much as I would have liked in 2012, I've read more than I have in the past few years. Life threw hurdles at me, but I pushed past. I read when I could. I read when I could find the focus to fully get lost in a story and I watched the huge "to be read" pile get just a bit smaller.

The year is winding down, but so far I'm pleased with my progress. To re-cap the year in books so far I've read (and these are not in any order):

1. Shadow and Bone 
2. Catastrophic History of You and Me 
3.  Unbreak My Heart 
4.  Fracture 
5.  In Honor 
6.  My Life Next Door
7. Eve
8. Once
9. Under The Never Sky
10. Shatter me
11.  Pandemonium
12. Insurgent
13. Divergent
14. Delirium
15. Sisterhood Everlasting
16.  Matched
17. I Am Number Four (in progress)
18. Destroy Me (in progress)

I'm happy to have that feeling of excitement when I sit down to read and that feeling you get when you just don't want to put that book down. My hope and goal for the upcoming new year is to continue reading, push myself more and hold onto that love of reading I've had since I was a little kid. 

Making progress. . .

I was finally able to sit down and start wading my way out of this reading slump I've been in. I finished Matched by Ally Condie this week and I'm now about halfway through another book. Better than nothing, and the weather here helps because I can't exactly go out and do anything.

I'm really looking forward to my Christmas break from work because I'll get a solid two weeks or so of reading time when I'm not rushing around with my head cut off. I fully intend on doing as much reading as I possibly can then.

So far this year I have read about 15 books, which is a lot more than previous years. Admittedly, a lot of them were read when I first broke my foot this summer because I had nothing to do at all, but I made progress and if this slump seems to go away.... I'll be able to get a few more done.

I know this is a short entry, but I figured a small update was better than nothing. I'm going to go find some dinner and bundle up and hide from this nasty storm we're getting out here in northern California. 

Are there any books you are looking forward to reading?

Well, I'm back...!

Well, that was an unexpected break from blogging.

The summer was fairly hectic. Not only did I have a broken foot, but my work schedule was back and forth. I had a bunch of work time, then a bunch of time off so things were fairly hectic. Not only that, but I got into a nasty reading slump that is still going.

Since then, I've been just throwing myself into work. I'm actually on a week long break right now and I'm so thankful for that. I needed it because I was getting burned out, exhausted and too sick too often (thanks immune system) but I do have to admit that I miss the work kids like crazy.

Things are going fairly well here and I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Things are finally starting to look up, I've got a special someone and I'm happy. Things are working out, things are comfortable and well, I'm happy.

The only downside is one of our family pets passed away suddenly today. I am so crushed that she is gone. She had two seizures and passed away. We found out that it is more than likely a brain tumor. Very sudden, very unexpected.

Thanksgiving plans are going to be on Saturday - a big traditional dinner with the family. Tomorrow we are going to eat meatballs and relax.

That being said, I am looking for some advice and some more followers.

Here are some fun questions to get things rolling, I'm really looking forward to seeing your answers! 

1) How do you get out of a nasty reading slump? Any tips? Tricks? Ideas?
2) What are the top five books you've read in 2012?
3) What are you currently reading?

Summer Reading..

In an earlier entry, I mentioned that one of my summer goals was to read at least one book per week, so I figured I'd make a running list here of those books so you can all squee with me over my progress, recc me more books and just hang out with me while I read. 

BOOKS OF SUMMER 2012:

1. Shadow and Bone
2. Catastrophic History of You and Me
3. Unbreak My Heart
4. Fracture
5. In Honor
6. My Life Next Door

Not sure what I'll read next since I'm almost done with book six of the summer, but I'm sure I can find something when I wander into Barnes and Noble tomorrow!

Review: In Honor

One of the books I had the chance to read over the last week or so (there's a bunch, why not read when you're stuck in bed with a broken foot?!) was In Honor by Jessi Kirby. It sounded amazing, something I could easily lose myself in and enjoy.

When I started reading - the first thing I felt were the tears. The opening scene of the book broke my heart - for Honor and because of my own recent loss that I'm still struggling with. It's something I still haven't really accepted, and to be honest - it hasn't really even sunk in.

So, here I was - sitting at the pool while the work kids did their swim practice tearing up while I read this book. I was sucked in almost right away, feeling everything Honor felt. I was right there with her, after all - it had been me just a few short months ago.

Honor is grieving her brother, Finn,  - he was killed in action as a Marine. The day he is buried, she opens a letter that he wrote to her. Inside, Honor discovers concert tickets and decides that this letter and these tickets are Finn's final wishes and a challenge to her.

She accepts the challenge.

Except - her brother's ex best friend, Rusty - decides to tag along. He's drunk and passes out in the car. Not what she expected, but Honor is on a mission for her brother and at this point, nothing will stop her. Not even stubborn, drunk Rusty.

The trip from Texas to California isn't easy on either of them. They're both grieving, both trying to cope with this tremendous loss and trying to figure out where to go from here. It isn't easy. It isn't even fun at some parts, but the two begin to become closer and with each other - they honor Finn's memory the best they can.

Every once in awhile, you're bound to pick up a book that will change you. Most of the time, you don't even know that it will when you pick it up and begin to read. This happened to me with In Honor - and the impact it has had on my life in these last few days is still something I'm in awe over.

I said earlier in this post that I could relate to Honor in terms of her grief and loss.

At the end of Feburary, my grandmother passed away suddenly (and very unexpectedly) from a massive heart attack. The phone rang at five in the morning and I knew that something was very wrong. That's the kind of thing you see in the movies - a dead of night phone call to break the worst news.

No one expected it. As soon as I got the news - I was numb, lost, and I felt cold.

I didn't know how to handle it - when my grandpa passed away in 2004, we knew it was coming because he had been sick for a very long time. When Nana passed away - no one expected it. In fact, she had just recently had a great check up with her cardiologist and all seemed well.

We had started to spend more time together, something that we hadn't done since I was a kid. Family outings to lunch or the local zoo, she made me a cloak because I had been wanting one for years. The last time I saw her was at the end of December at my mother's 50th birthday dinner/party.

As Honor took the words from her brother to heart and accepted the 'challenge', I began to realize while reading that there were things that I needed to do in my life. Things that I knew, deep down, Nana wanted me to accomplish and succeed - no matter how long it took or how hard they were.

One of them would be embracing the side of the family I never really got to know. It would mean putting aside past hurts, awkward and tense relationships. I was unsure and nervous and terrified. I knew she wanted this - and I also knew (deep down) that it would have been her death that brought us all together.

More often than not I have been angry. Angry that I didn't get more time with her over the last few months. Angry that we never got to have lunch together again as we had planned. Angry that she was gone and I'm still struggling to accept that fact.

Those few weeks before Nana's death were just as hard - my dad lost the house we grew up in to foreclosure. Two weeks later, Nana died. I'm struggling to get through and deal with some very complex emotions and "things" from my past while trying to live my life to the fullest. I'm wavering back and forth on repairing an old, broken friendship - wondering if it is the right thing to do at the right time.

These last few months have not been easy at all. They've been rocky - full of emotion, exhaustion and a lot of change all at once.

After I finished reading In Honor, I realized that I am going to be okay. Things will get better. I also realized there are a few things I need to do to honor the memory of my grandmother - things she always encouraged me to do and things I never got around to. Now I am, because after reading this story - I have to.

I'm going to learn to drive and I'm going to work hard to earn my GED.  These are the two things that she wanted me to do. She wanted me to do well in life and no matter what, she was always there to support and encourage me.

Just like Honor experiences - it isn't an easy journey to take, but no matter what - we should honor the ones we love, as hard as it is. And we have to remember that they are always with us.

Some good and bad news.

Okay, so. Bad news first.

Unfortunately, I have had to make the decision to postpone the readathon until the end of the month. I hated to do it, but I realized this week that I need to. I completely overdid it this week in terms of being up and moving on my foot and got a really bad case of sun poisoning rash (in other words, a very very bad sunburn) and really just need to use the next couple weeks I have off to not do anything but rest.

The good news?

I'm still going to the readathon, the dates will just be at the end of the month! I also hope that by doing this I can get more people interested and involved and really be up and doing better myself so I can host this thing properly and not fall over.

Like I said, I hated making this choice but I need to take care of myself and get better first.

In other news, I've challenged myself to read at least a book a week and I've done pretty well on that so far. It was nice to be able to sit back and read while I've been stuck in bed (which I still am pretty much because of the extent of the swelling).

I'm gonna work on getting a couple reviews up this week depending on how the foot is feeling and if I feel well enough to hobble out of bed to my desk.

Tell me what you're reading or what you've recently read! :)

My Very First...

ARC came in the mail yesterday!

I entered some giveaways on GoodReads and this was the first one that I EVER won, and my first ARC. I'm really excited and if I could have been jumping up and down when it arrived last night, I would have been.

With plenty of time at the pool this week for work (I can't swim with the foot problem), I plan to sit down and start reading this as soon as I can. I planned to today but I never got that far with trying to get into a routine for this week.

I'm so excited to have my first giveaway win and ARC.

With work being so hectic this week, I'll try to finish a book or two in my free time and get a couple more reviews up, I just have to get through Friday and then I'm off work for a couple of weeks ... woohoo!

Magic's Pawn, the book that changed my life.

Time after time, there is a single book that I will go back to re-read and lose myself in. That hasn't changed in the last ten years or so since the first time I got my hands on the book. In many ways, Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey changed my life.

It was the first fantasy story I read. It was the book that made me cry like a baby, ache all over from heartbreak, hope against home and yes, dare to dream. This book spoke to me on so many levels and more than that - it taught me so much about myself. 

I was a teenager at the time and I had just started to branch off into wanting to read something other than Star Wars novels - and after some searching online and through the piles of books my father had around the house, I came across this book.

I can still remember the feeling of excitement flooding through me the moment I had it in my hands after I pulled it out from the shelf above my dad's bed. I held it tight and raced down the hallway and curled up in my bed to read.

From the first page, I was hooked. I was drawn into an entirely new world, a world I could clearly picture in my head as I read - and I began to connect with the main character, Vanyel, on a level I had never connected to a character before.

His story pulled me into a vast new world where I could see clearly that he was struggling - just as I was, to figure out who he was. He was struggling to break out of the rules and expectations he had grown up, and he was struggling to find out where be belonged as a young adult.

It isn't until he leaves his home to stay with his Aunt Savil, that his life begins to change in many ways. The biggest being his bond with the charming 'Lendel (who stole my heart just as quickly as Vanyel did, to be perfectly honest). 



We see their friendship begin to form - 'Lendel slowly beings to coax Vanyel out of his shell and Vanyel begins to drop his walls that he had so carefully built up to protect himself. We see their friendship begin to grow into something more - and the night they are together - let me tell you, my heart melted.


'Lendel is now getting to know the real Vanyel, just as we are.


Unexpected tragedies strike.


Somehow, Vanyel pulls through - but it isn't an easy road. He fights it. He's lost. He's heart broken, damaged beyond belief and doesn't know how to live his life - a life he had just thought he had put back together once he had his 'Lendel.


It was this single quote that hit me with a ton of bricks, and there have been countless times over the last ten years that I've come back to this quote:

“The great love is gone. There are still little loves - friend to friend, brother to sister, student to teacher. Will you deny yourself comfort at the hearthfire of a cottage because you may no longer sit by the fireplace of a palace? Will you deny yourself to those who reach out to you in hopes of warming themselves at your hearthfire?”

Vanyel, in every way, is struggling to put the pieces of his life back together. Not only is he grieving and lost - but now he's faced with the fact that he's got this immense power he has to learn to control, another burden that he has to handle. One that at first, he isn't sure he even wants to handle - because it is the same kind of power that stole the life he was beginning to know from him.

We see Vanyel being to harness his power, and learn to live this new life he has ahead of him. We see him pick up the pieces as hard as it is and live. He lives to the fullest extent possible, and the ending of this book only proves that no matter what you face and go through - you can still make it out on top. 


There are so many things I can say about this quote, but I want to leave you with this:

No matter what happens, no matter what kind of heartbreak or loss you face, you can still learn to love again. It hurts, it does, I've been there. I'm still healing - but there's always the "little loves" - your friends, your family - you can't lock yourself away and refuse to love again. When you do that - you begin to lose yourself.


When you begin to lose yourself, you run the risk of never being able to open yourself up to love again - and with love, anything is possible.