Review: Ask the Passengers by A.S. King

Ask the Passengers is one of the most recent books I've read this year (I've got a stack of books I want to read and it just keeps growing and growing).

I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this book at this time in my life. I came out about six years ago, and it was easily the most traumatic experience in my entire life. I'm not exaggerating that point. I still have nightmares about the experience and how I was treated, the backlash, the comments and the hate.

When I stumbled across this book, I knew it was the right book at the right time - you know, one of those books that comes into your life at the perfect moment and leaves a lasting impact.

I felt that I was right along with Astrid on her journey. I knew what she was feeling because I had been there. I knew how much it hurt, I knew the level of confusion, I knew the fear.

There were a couple of quotes in the book that hit me, and hit me hard - as if I had spoken them myself - quotes that I knew exactly how she felt in that moment because I had been there. I am there.

For anyone who is looking for a good contemporary read, this is it. This book touched me in ways that I can't even begin to explain. I'll leave you with these two quotes..

"I see what you're trying to say. But you're wrong. I mean, when did you first know you were gay? And did you tell anyone on that first day? Who is anyone to tell me when to talk about something so personal?"

"And if any of you have a problem with any of it, then it's your problem. Being gay is hard enough without having to worry about your family being weird about it."

So, a big, amazing, THANK YOU to A.S. King who wrote this amazing book that in many ways helped me heal and really discover who I am. 

Review: In Honor

One of the books I had the chance to read over the last week or so (there's a bunch, why not read when you're stuck in bed with a broken foot?!) was In Honor by Jessi Kirby. It sounded amazing, something I could easily lose myself in and enjoy.

When I started reading - the first thing I felt were the tears. The opening scene of the book broke my heart - for Honor and because of my own recent loss that I'm still struggling with. It's something I still haven't really accepted, and to be honest - it hasn't really even sunk in.

So, here I was - sitting at the pool while the work kids did their swim practice tearing up while I read this book. I was sucked in almost right away, feeling everything Honor felt. I was right there with her, after all - it had been me just a few short months ago.

Honor is grieving her brother, Finn,  - he was killed in action as a Marine. The day he is buried, she opens a letter that he wrote to her. Inside, Honor discovers concert tickets and decides that this letter and these tickets are Finn's final wishes and a challenge to her.

She accepts the challenge.

Except - her brother's ex best friend, Rusty - decides to tag along. He's drunk and passes out in the car. Not what she expected, but Honor is on a mission for her brother and at this point, nothing will stop her. Not even stubborn, drunk Rusty.

The trip from Texas to California isn't easy on either of them. They're both grieving, both trying to cope with this tremendous loss and trying to figure out where to go from here. It isn't easy. It isn't even fun at some parts, but the two begin to become closer and with each other - they honor Finn's memory the best they can.

Every once in awhile, you're bound to pick up a book that will change you. Most of the time, you don't even know that it will when you pick it up and begin to read. This happened to me with In Honor - and the impact it has had on my life in these last few days is still something I'm in awe over.

I said earlier in this post that I could relate to Honor in terms of her grief and loss.

At the end of Feburary, my grandmother passed away suddenly (and very unexpectedly) from a massive heart attack. The phone rang at five in the morning and I knew that something was very wrong. That's the kind of thing you see in the movies - a dead of night phone call to break the worst news.

No one expected it. As soon as I got the news - I was numb, lost, and I felt cold.

I didn't know how to handle it - when my grandpa passed away in 2004, we knew it was coming because he had been sick for a very long time. When Nana passed away - no one expected it. In fact, she had just recently had a great check up with her cardiologist and all seemed well.

We had started to spend more time together, something that we hadn't done since I was a kid. Family outings to lunch or the local zoo, she made me a cloak because I had been wanting one for years. The last time I saw her was at the end of December at my mother's 50th birthday dinner/party.

As Honor took the words from her brother to heart and accepted the 'challenge', I began to realize while reading that there were things that I needed to do in my life. Things that I knew, deep down, Nana wanted me to accomplish and succeed - no matter how long it took or how hard they were.

One of them would be embracing the side of the family I never really got to know. It would mean putting aside past hurts, awkward and tense relationships. I was unsure and nervous and terrified. I knew she wanted this - and I also knew (deep down) that it would have been her death that brought us all together.

More often than not I have been angry. Angry that I didn't get more time with her over the last few months. Angry that we never got to have lunch together again as we had planned. Angry that she was gone and I'm still struggling to accept that fact.

Those few weeks before Nana's death were just as hard - my dad lost the house we grew up in to foreclosure. Two weeks later, Nana died. I'm struggling to get through and deal with some very complex emotions and "things" from my past while trying to live my life to the fullest. I'm wavering back and forth on repairing an old, broken friendship - wondering if it is the right thing to do at the right time.

These last few months have not been easy at all. They've been rocky - full of emotion, exhaustion and a lot of change all at once.

After I finished reading In Honor, I realized that I am going to be okay. Things will get better. I also realized there are a few things I need to do to honor the memory of my grandmother - things she always encouraged me to do and things I never got around to. Now I am, because after reading this story - I have to.

I'm going to learn to drive and I'm going to work hard to earn my GED.  These are the two things that she wanted me to do. She wanted me to do well in life and no matter what, she was always there to support and encourage me.

Just like Honor experiences - it isn't an easy journey to take, but no matter what - we should honor the ones we love, as hard as it is. And we have to remember that they are always with us.

Magic's Pawn, the book that changed my life.

Time after time, there is a single book that I will go back to re-read and lose myself in. That hasn't changed in the last ten years or so since the first time I got my hands on the book. In many ways, Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey changed my life.

It was the first fantasy story I read. It was the book that made me cry like a baby, ache all over from heartbreak, hope against home and yes, dare to dream. This book spoke to me on so many levels and more than that - it taught me so much about myself. 

I was a teenager at the time and I had just started to branch off into wanting to read something other than Star Wars novels - and after some searching online and through the piles of books my father had around the house, I came across this book.

I can still remember the feeling of excitement flooding through me the moment I had it in my hands after I pulled it out from the shelf above my dad's bed. I held it tight and raced down the hallway and curled up in my bed to read.

From the first page, I was hooked. I was drawn into an entirely new world, a world I could clearly picture in my head as I read - and I began to connect with the main character, Vanyel, on a level I had never connected to a character before.

His story pulled me into a vast new world where I could see clearly that he was struggling - just as I was, to figure out who he was. He was struggling to break out of the rules and expectations he had grown up, and he was struggling to find out where be belonged as a young adult.

It isn't until he leaves his home to stay with his Aunt Savil, that his life begins to change in many ways. The biggest being his bond with the charming 'Lendel (who stole my heart just as quickly as Vanyel did, to be perfectly honest). 



We see their friendship begin to form - 'Lendel slowly beings to coax Vanyel out of his shell and Vanyel begins to drop his walls that he had so carefully built up to protect himself. We see their friendship begin to grow into something more - and the night they are together - let me tell you, my heart melted.


'Lendel is now getting to know the real Vanyel, just as we are.


Unexpected tragedies strike.


Somehow, Vanyel pulls through - but it isn't an easy road. He fights it. He's lost. He's heart broken, damaged beyond belief and doesn't know how to live his life - a life he had just thought he had put back together once he had his 'Lendel.


It was this single quote that hit me with a ton of bricks, and there have been countless times over the last ten years that I've come back to this quote:

“The great love is gone. There are still little loves - friend to friend, brother to sister, student to teacher. Will you deny yourself comfort at the hearthfire of a cottage because you may no longer sit by the fireplace of a palace? Will you deny yourself to those who reach out to you in hopes of warming themselves at your hearthfire?”

Vanyel, in every way, is struggling to put the pieces of his life back together. Not only is he grieving and lost - but now he's faced with the fact that he's got this immense power he has to learn to control, another burden that he has to handle. One that at first, he isn't sure he even wants to handle - because it is the same kind of power that stole the life he was beginning to know from him.

We see Vanyel being to harness his power, and learn to live this new life he has ahead of him. We see him pick up the pieces as hard as it is and live. He lives to the fullest extent possible, and the ending of this book only proves that no matter what you face and go through - you can still make it out on top. 


There are so many things I can say about this quote, but I want to leave you with this:

No matter what happens, no matter what kind of heartbreak or loss you face, you can still learn to love again. It hurts, it does, I've been there. I'm still healing - but there's always the "little loves" - your friends, your family - you can't lock yourself away and refuse to love again. When you do that - you begin to lose yourself.


When you begin to lose yourself, you run the risk of never being able to open yourself up to love again - and with love, anything is possible.